I took all that love I once felt for her, and turned it on myself.

You feel too little.

I’m better from afar.

Sometimes you just have to enjoy a sunrise with yourself.
take yourself out for coffee every so often and catch up, to make sure you haven’t forgotten who you are.

– Loneliness can be a breath of fresh air.
Make sure you take it. (via theperksofnotbeing)

I’m not sorry for the things I did while I was growing.

By Kanye West.
The Stirling silver ring on my left hand’s ring finger, burns.
I would love for it to meet your face.
I’m not even left handed.
My right hook would knock you out at once.
Against your temple.
I know, because I spent hours, days and months, hitting a heavy bag.
Except, I always pictured the faces of the people who hurt you
On the receiving end.
The people who made you afraid of the dark.
I just never thought it’d be you.

Then take care of her. She likes her baths scolding and with a drop of lavender. Her back scratched and her scary movies, REALLY scary.
If she ever disappears into herself, give it time. Sometimes the fog in her brain is too thick and she looses the way back home. You can leave bread crumbs for her, in the form of reassuring notes and sweets, she likes almond joys. Just tell her you’ll be there when she comes back. trust me.
and she will be back. That I can promise. and it’ll be like the sun after a rainstorm, so so very bright.
Enjoy her smile, The way her eyes get really small. She hates that. tell her you love it. Tell her, you love the tattoo on her rib cage, it hurt like hell for her to get it, so tell her. She almost bailed half way through. She’s tough though.
I lost her a long time ago, But maybe you can keep her. Maybe she still looks at you in the eye and not down at her phone. Maybe when you kiss her, you’ll taste like those white Oreos she loves so much.
I hope you can support her in her creativity. She needs it. I hope you don’t let her give up easily. Maybe you, she’ll listen to.
Maybe you and her will be a better fit.
when she takes you to her favorite place in the world, enjoy it. Take it in. she feels the most herself there. with the water and the the jet skis. Remind her to put on so much sunblock. Sometimes the meds she takes make her get burnt easily. Even though her, with a sunglasses tan, is a sight for sore eyes.
And if there’s ever a new years you have plans to take her to the beach and see fireworks, make sure you follow through. Her hand in yours, and all those fireworks, it’s something I wish I’d had.
I hope she loves you how she couldn’t love me.
If she’s yours now, take care of her.

The world doesn’t make sense today.

The sky is underneath my feet. I step on clouds with my heavy boots. the roots of tall trees keep poking at my head, getting tangled in my hair, picking my brain for God knows what.

The world doesn’t make sense today.

Reverse means forward and when I press the gas pedal in my broken down corolla, instead of going forward, I float up.

I feel that perhaps I’m under water and nobody told me. There’s bees pollinating flowers in bushes that look like clouds.

But I am under water. I am under blankets. The door is closed, the blinds are shut, my thoughts so loud I can’t hear the people outside. The ones who don’t walk on sky. The people who’s feet still hit pavement, the people who’s world still makes sense.

My watch ticks backwards, the rain falls up and the words that once flowed from me like slow oozing honey from a jar, are stuck somewhere. somewhere back when you still smiled and I still understood. I don’t understand anymore. The world doesn’t make sense today.

The sunrise at midnight paints the sky the color of the coffee I can’t get up without and I am sinking into it.

◦

I’m sorry if I ever gave anybody the impression that I might still be the person I was yesterday.
I may have metaphorically fallen to my knees last night and cried over people who weren’t deserving. I may have felt a deep hole in the place of the purpose I once felt so deeply.
I may have revealed myself like that to you, vulnerable and sad and hollow.
But then this morning, when I woke up before the sun, I felt the silence of a brand new start wash over me, and I felt peace. I Felt daring.
I felt, better.

I may have momentary lapses in my (often not so sensible) judgement. But sadness, confusion, hurt, is all too human. And constantly being happy is something I haven’t yet found to be true for anybody.

So I won’t be sorry for being too honest, or too forward, or too unguarded. I will, however, say I’m sorry to anybody who is under the impression that I am a Damsel in need of saving, or that I am drowning myself in whiskey, or that I’m damaged, just because I wear my truth like a favorite shirt. I’m sorry If anybody is under the impression that I am going anywhere but up.

So please don’t be surprised if you see me and I am radiant. If I am defiantly standing up to the same sadness that held me under water only weeks or days or hours ago. I‘m not who I was, I am only who I am.

My birthday Came and went this year.
I did the math and you were around for a quarter of my life.

I just wanted to thank you
Thank you for setting me free
And not only leaving the door open
But drop kicking me out.

Thank you for the poetry
for the pain that spilled out
From all the cracks you left in
My self image
And my self love

Thank you
But I think I’ve gone dry now.

I wish I could say that
There are wine corks|
From wine bottles I’ve drank dry
Trying to patch up The holes you left in me

But I drank so many bottles
I could only afford twist caps.

Only bottles with cheap labels
ones I could barely read
From intoxication
and tears.

And I’m sorry
Sorry for the New Years night
When I promised I’d be back
But then Jameson and I made bad choices
And I left you with an armful of fireworks
And a stomach full of grief.

Thank you
Even though your decision to leave was selfish
Thank you anyway

Because I never knew
I was in a cage
Until you pushed me out
And forced me to fly.