lonely.

That deep lonely that hops on my back and demands a piggy back ride to anywhere I go.
That strokes my cheek, as a soft reminder, when I’m surrounded by people.
Like that annoying humming in your ear, that comes out of nowhere and becomes louder than any sound in a room.

It shoves me when I try to stand still
And holds me down when I try to walk.
It holds my hand from the passenger side of my car and sometimes talks me into missing my exit, and driving 20 minutes past my house.

It mockingly makes a list of all the women I’ve let go of in my juvenile tantrums, and the ones who let go of me.
It waves it in my face.
It says, why are you still driving? It says, where are you even going?

It catches in my throat when I say that I am happy.
It looks like you.
It looks like all the mistakes I’ve made.
It looks like running.
It looks like following a girl to places I didn’t belong.

I looks like not being enough for myself.

We’re staying at a distance on purpose, right?
You don’t want to see me or my eyes because you know they pull from you everything you’ve been meaning to say
like god damn stupid magnets.
Like when you see me, things just fit and you wish they didn’t.

You’re keeping me at arms length on purpose, right?
Because you still shiver when I touch you.
Even if it’s just a hug.
Because I lick my lips and you remember everything my tongue did to you.
You remember it places you shouldn’t.
You watch my mouth as I speak and remember the profanities that came out of it, when yours was places it should probably never be again.

You got scared, right?
and pushed me away,
or pulled yourself back
Or both
Or either.
It’s the same thing after all
It just means you don’t text me.
It means you type it and you’re gonna send it until you realize it’s 1:24 a.m. and
why are you even thinking about me?

She’s laying next to you and she’s everything
So why are you thinking about me?

You say “hey”
only ever so often now.
You discontinue your good morning texts
But you don’t want me gone completely
So you check in on me sometimes.

You used to hold me by the collar with a closed fist
Just the way I like it.
But now you’ve got a loose grip on the back of my Shirt as
I’m walking away
And you’re holding on just fingertips and I kinda wish you’d just pull me back
But
you’re with her
and she’s everything
so why
are you even thinking about me?

I’ve been looking at this all wrong and honestly, I’m sorry for your lost.

You took 11 minutes to answer

And now my wrists smell like lavender essential oils

Because the 11 ways you might have taken my text the wrong way

Are making my head pulsate

And lavender

Helps

You don’t have your read receipts on

Is that better? Or worse?

Have you fallen asleep? Did your dog run out unexpectedly? Are you chasing him down the side of the road?

Did all this inconveniently happen right after I told you that thing, that thing that made me only slightly vulnerable and now you’re not answering because your phone was forgotten along with your shoes as you sprinted after spike?

Oh,

Never mind.

You answered.

No baileys in my coffee.

If I don’t travel, I’m killing my soul.

I think I have a real big problem with the “I left because I wasn’t good for them” narrative. I see how it can be seen as noble but it can also be seen as cowardly. If you realize there are things about you that are hurting the people you love, and you realize these traits are bad, why not? Work on fixing them? It’s not like leaving people behind won’t also hurt them. It’s kinda just taking the lazy way out instead of working on yourself and your relationship.

I woke up alone this morning.
Alone makes some people bitter on Valentine’s Day.
but I’m not bitter.
I don’t wanna burn flowers, nor do I resent new lovers for loving.

I love my alone.
I choose it.
I choose the sporadic loneliness on dark mornings.
I say good morning to the empty space in my bed.
I sleep on either side, I bury myself in a good book, And I remember to text the people who love me, specially my mom.

I bask in the silence as I watch the pot of coffee drip
and I don’t hide in somebody else.

I know I’m doing myself a favor by embracing my alone.
This way, when somebody comes knocking at my quiet mornings, asking if perhaps I’d like to make two cups of coffee instead of one, I’ll remember that alone was okay.
That alone  was sometimes even great.

I’ll say “what do you have for me?” and be selfish with myself until I’m certain.
I don’t need more unkind lovers, and I don’t feel the need to fill a space.

The next person who wants to stay, will have to be dripping in something I won’t be able to resist.

It’s just a chain of rebounds until you find the one.

I found myself,
when I stopped nervously apologizing for my accent.
When I started turning down plans that didn’t interest me.
In the sun, laying in muddy fields , enjoying silences with the right people.

I found myself,
Calm and confident, and tired of being the butt of anybody’s jokes.
I found myself driving with the windows down.
I found myself not afraid, and also afraid but not letting the fear still me.

I found myself,
feeling the scary things.
realizing I feel strongly, a lot, often, and that it isn’t a bad thing.
I found myself saying whoops, I love her.

When I stopped comparing myself to anybody,
I found myself.
I found me on a hammock, reading a book breathing easy,
remembering to be simple.

I found myself empathetic, introverted and in love with the world.
unapologetically human.