I think often times I try to stretch people to be more than they are. I try to bring round characters out of flat ones, out of ones that should have only had one purpose in my story.  I try to make everyone as complex and multi faceted as i am inside my head. I want to show people that the world is composed as much of Beethoven’s symphonies as it is of music some guy made in his basement about a woman he saw in passing at a dive bar in New York City.
This is why I get stuck in the past and give way too many chances, because I am intoxicated with the possibility that this person will come. the one who understands the fun and madness of being everything. Like playing with gender and fashion and music and being broad and wide with it all.
A few people have presented the possibility of polyamory to me. That maybe I shouldn’t expect everything from one romanticized individual, who might never come, and instead find the different things I want in different people. Even not in a romantic/ sexual way but in a community based way that I have never had the privilege of experiencing. I like this concept. Expecting what takes a village to be accomplished by one individual seems irrational and also like a lot of pressure.
However, just because toxic monogamy is a leg stemming from the very dysfunctional nuclear family dynamic etc etc, and I can recognize it, it doesn’t mean I am not in awe when Ryan Goslin and Rachel McAdams are dancing with no music in the middle of an empty street. Or when Holly and Gerry fight In P.s I love you. God, I love how they fight.
I guess I can enjoy the romcoms and understand that life doesn’t come in a two hour, well polished, 300 take, movie. It’s so much better than that, because it’s long enough for so many different stories, the romcom, the regular comedy, the one about breakups and how to piece yourself back together after, the one about the guy going into the woods alone (that one doesn’t end too well).
So many people will come who will be “the one” and that concept is both scary and exhilarating, depending on how we look at it, right? that everything is fleeting can be terrifying and also very freeing. That love will manifest itself in so many different ways and we just have to be present enough to see it, recognize it, and enjoy it, no matter how brief (although hopefully not so brief). But it’s hard, to not want to hold onto it till our knuckles are white, because nothing feels better than true connection with another and to know that it might only be here for a little while can make the soul sad, at least it does mine. also, not taking it personal when these people leave, wow yet another hard one, breaking the ego and the ‘I’ concept, Buddha really had it right.